


Still

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bullying, Dead Carla, Depression, Eren is a stubborn shit, Homophobia, I'll add more tags as i go, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sorry if its hard to follow, Suicidal Thoughts, a bit of violence, my writing style is kinda weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 14:31:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8450020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I'm just so tiredI don't need any helpMy mind won't stop running My writing style is kinda odd I guess. Sorry if it's hard to follow. I'm kind of a shitty writer right now but practice makes progress so...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, sorry my writing style is kinda odd. The whole story will not be a poem but it might be a little hard to figure certain things out. I'm also just shit at writing so. Yeah. I hope someone enjoys this.

I began to play the ~~~~~~ in the hopes that my ----- would start to ____ me.

I know she  
_____  
Me.

But she didn't  
____  
Me.

 

Scaly vibrations  
Her sound was so beautiful  
The only thing I heard  
Was a reason to  
____  
Me  
A reason to be proud  
Of me

She never  
_____  
Me

She was  
So disappointed

She would be  
So disappointed

Same  
Similar  
Lovely

Green  
Glassy  
Ocean

Gone

She disappeared

Where are you -----?  
Can I find you?

How many pills?

When will you  
____  
Me?

You'll burn in hell

She would be so  
DISAPPOINTED IN  
me

Are you  
BURNING

What happened to make you  
HATE  
me

Same  
Similar  
Lovely

Chestnut  
Chocolate  
Brown

Grey

Black

She was so pale

Same  
Similar  
Lovely

Tan  
Golden  
Burnt black

I can still  
SMELL  
you

I can still  
HEAR  
you

Stop screaming  
-momma-

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I can still  
FEEL  
it

It's so  
HOT

I smell burnt  
FLESH

I hear  
SCREAMS

Demons in the closet  
Devils under my bed

Hold my hand  
Take it away

The carpet is stained

I'm sorry  
The mess is my fault  
My fault  
My fault  
My fault  
My fault

Not my fault 

You're holding my hand  
You're angry  
I'm crying

You're saying goodbye  
I'm left all alone again

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Her embrace makes my entire body tremble.

I've been so lonely  
So  
Can't breath  
Skull splitting  
Ears ringing  
Starving

I pull away hastily.  
"Please don't touch me."  
It comes out before I can even think.

My heart  
Races  
Stops  
Reboots  
Skips beats

"Uhh... sorry?"  
"It's fine..."  
It's a mumble. I can hardly look her in the eye. I'm mortified.

"What's up with you? Why are you so jumpy and quiet?"  
She's giving me a strange look and all I can do is stare at the ground.  
"Why did you ask me to come here Mikasa?"  
She drops her question in favor of answering mine.

"I want you to move in with us."  
"No."  
"No?"  
"No."  
"Why not?"  
"Because I don't need to burden my sister and my childhood friend with problems I can solve myself."  
"You aren't a burden Eren."  
"I can take care of myself."  
"We're worried about you Eren. We're doing this because we care about you, because we l-"

"I don't need your help."

I'm so cruel.

"I don't need your help so stop throwing pitying looks. I don't want your charity. I can make my own god damn decisions so just leave me alone. Go back home to your husband and kid and just fuck off."

So very, very cruel.

She won't look at me.

She seems to  
Fold  
Crawl  
Pull  
Drag  
Inward on herself

The air is frosty in the park. The bench is frozen.

"I'm sorry..."  
I'm so mean  
Big  
Fat  
Bully  
"Go home Mikasa."

She gets up but I'm still sitting on the frozen bench. She begins to walk but pauses to turn around.

"Hey Eren?"  
"What?"  
... a beat.  
"I-... never mind."  
I watch her walk away.

I'm still sitting on the frozen bench.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Tiny

Sharp

Edge  
Blade  
Silver

Take your medication  
It gives me nightmares

Oily  
Sticky  
Slimy  
Skin on skin

Stop touching me

Blood  
Bleeding  
Burnt hair

I can taste it  
I can feel it  
I can hear it  
I ca-

Ringing.

My head is  
Pounding  
Cracking  
Splitting  
Exploding

"Hello?"

Light filters through the blinds.

"Where are you?"  
It's Jean.  
"I'm sick, I'm staying home."  
"Well then call in to say that you're sick dipshit."  
"Sorry..."  
...  
Here it comes  
"Are you okay? You seem really off."  
"I'm fine, I'm just tired."  
"Hmm."  
"I'm gonna go to sleep."  
"K bye."

I hang up the phone and close my eyes.

Light filters through the blinds.

My heart is beating in my brain and my throat is dry and sticky. There's an uncomfortable amount of sweat glueing me to my clothes.

I sit up and the room  
Spins  
Swims  
Twirls

I fall back.

Black spots  
Dance  
Leap  
Fade

Light filters through the blinds.

My head is killing me. I close my eyes. Its not long, just a slow, slow blink. When I open my eyes again its dark.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The air is solid.

It slices my lungs with icy blades and wraps my body in a blanket of snow.

Im sitting on the edge of the bridge. My head is killing me. It's so high.

The fall would be amazing.

I would  
Fly  
Fall  
Sink

Drop.  
It's raining.

I lay back onto the sidewalk, my legs hanging down, and feel ice crystals plop heavily onto my bare skin and soak my shirt. Three cars pass by.

Black  
Black  
White

Now silver.  
It's pulling over.

"Hey kid, what are you doing out here this late at night? You're gonna get sick you know."  
My eyes are closed. His deep voice makes me shiver.  
Levi.  
"I'm not allowed to talk to strangers."  
He snorts. He's not a stranger. I've known him since middle school.  
"But you are allowed to sit outside at three in the morning and get soaked? Isn't it Past your bed time, brat?"  
"Sleep is for the weak."  
I slept all day.  
I crack open an eye to look at my company.

He's gorgeous. Hair the shade of oil, almost blue. His eyes are silver and grey, beautiful. I can tell from down here that he's taller than me. He's wearing a school uniform and holding an umbrella.

I have the same uniform at home.

"And you can't really call me a brat if we're in the same grade."  
He raises an eyebrow and smirks.  
"You sure you're in high school? You look like a middle schooler to me."  
This guy.  
"Fuck you Levi."  
"No thanks, Eren."  
His voice makes me shiver  
"Well if you're done here then move, you're blocking my rain."  
He chuckles and starts walking to his car.  
"See you around brat."

His car drives off.

The fall would be amazing.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Everything aches.

They won't stop  
Hitting  
Yelling  
Laughing  
Bruising  
Breaking me

"Faggot!"  
"Sissy boy!"  
"Cock sucker!"

I cover my head and  
Whimper  
Yell  
Cry  
Bleed  
Curl inward

My nose is running, my lip is split, my eye is swelling. This couldn't get worse.

One of them kicks me in the stomach.

I roll over and heave. Nothing comes out. He kicks me again. I dry heave once more. They all laugh. When will it end?

He kicks me again.

Nothing but bile comes up.

"Oh god!"  
"Gross!"  
"Fucking pig!"

All three of them laugh.

Everything aches.

They leave me on the ground.

I'm covered in  
Dirt  
Blood  
Tears  
Snot

I'm curled into a tight ball in the alleyway and I can't stop shaking.

It hurts to  
Breathe  
Blink  
Think  
Cry.

It hurts to cry, and that just makes me cry harder. I'm so tired. I try to get up onto my feet only to fail miserably and come crashing down onto a garbage bin, it makes such a loud obnoxious noise and I groan.

"Hello?"  
A familiar voice. How lovely  
"Holly shit."  
I know you from somewhere Mr. Voice. How do I know you?  
I crack my good eye open and stare with blurry vision.

Silver, grey eyes meet my own swollen, blood crusted ones.

"You look like shit kid."  
Gee thanks.  
I try to speak but I can't seem to remember how to breathe and all of a sudden I'm panicking, flipping onto my hands and knees and gasping for air. Things begin to blur and all of a sudden I'm sitting with Levi between my legs, holding my arms away from my chest and telling me to breathe.

"Come on brat breathe with me, you have all the air in the fucking world to breathe just calm down yeah?"

He begins to take slow, deliberate breaths and nods his head when I begin to mimic him. He lets go of my arms and stands up. 

When I stand I  
Wobble

Knees  
Buckle

I heave.  
Nothing comes up.

Levi sighs.  
"Come on Eren, get on my back. If you puke on me I'll fucking strangle you."  
I huff out a small laugh and he scoops me up onto his back.

"You really need to stop walking home alone, you get jumped by those guys every fucking week. I told you I can walk you back. The offer still stands."  
"I'm fine."  
I croak.  
"I don't need any help."  
I slur.  
"Bull shit. You can't seriously be saying that when you've just been beaten to a bloody pulp, you can't even walk by yourself."  
"Sure I can."  
It's so close to a whisper that I'm honestly surprised he heard me.  
"Then why am I carrying you, hmm?"  
"Mm lazy..."  
I'm so tired, and Levi's so warm.  
He chuckles  
"Sure kid."  
I doze off.

Everything aches.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Criticism is welcome.


End file.
